Even News Flow Needs a Vacation
It’s been quite the summer. In a shocking turn of events, capital markets around the world have come to a screeching halt due to a work stoppage by equities. Over the last 48 hours, ticker after ticker symbol has been seen leaving the major stock exchanges in New York, Toronto, Paris and London to slip-n-slide in city parks and fountains. It’s left major news outlets like us, Bloomberg, CNBC, Barron’s and The Financial Times completely scratching their heads as the news flow has come to a complete standstill.
Around 4 a.m. on Wednesday morning, many New Yorkers were unceremoniously yanked from their dreams by the sounds of their phones blaring, issued by management teams desperate to safely recover their ticker symbols. Equities were missing and in imminent danger, so an EMBER alert was issued, triggering the mass wakeup call.
"I literally thought the city was under attack," one Twitter user wrote. "Scariest wake up ever," another posted.
Traders were reported to be enjoying an impromptu game of hide-n-seek, leading us to wonder if they've taken a page from the "Where's Waldo?" playbook. In a surprising show of camaraderie, some of the traders were spotted this morning celebrating the day-off with a "Bring Your Pet to the Trading Floor" day, hoping that the presence of therapy dogs, cats and parrots might turn their frown’s upside down.
As chaos reigned in city capitals, analysts and investors were seen frantically searching under couch cushions, in between the pages of dusty old finance textbooks, and even on the back of their morning cereal boxes, hoping to find a clue about the mysterious disappearance of stock values. The most dedicated bankers and analysts are speculating: "Have the stock markets just pulled a major coup?"
One analyst on Wall Street, who asked for anonymity, was heard yelling from the back of an Uber as he rushed to his waiting Blade helicopter, "The markets have gone haywire! Call the lifeguards! We've got a serious case of financial frolic happening here!"
As stocks continue to slip and slide for the second straight day, management teams are warning of a potential corporate strike saying, “Why should equities have all the fun?”
IR teams seemed to take the work stoppage in stride, catching up on cooking segments now that it was peak tomato season. An industrious few, decided to hold spontaneous media interviews with the equities in order to share their story with a wider audience, while others were seen making introductions to potential investors.
Since the stoppage, news outlets have been struggling to fill airtime and have resorted to broadcasting live from their swimming pools. Instead of talking about the stock market, they are discussing the latest trends in entertaining, floats and accessories. Despite the extreme heat, crews have been seen deploying large pool umbrellas in a variety of colors, fabrics and styles to match their outdoor decor, and of course, each reporter’s bathing suit and cover-up.
Meanwhile, the news flow has been located by GPS on the remote island of Jekyll, where wi-fi fears to tread. Headlines were reportedly seen to be playing beach volleyball with subhead lines, while the stories, snoozed in their lounge chairs. Instead of breaking news, it appears they are playing a game of breaking coconuts.
As for elusive investors, witnesses say they were back in their offices on Wednesday afternoon but instead of working, taking the game of tag to a whole new level. Some were spotted behind potted plants in the atrium, others drinking iced coffee under their office desks playing ‘Wallstreet Survivor’ on their phones, and a few daring souls were even attempting to blend in with the office furniture looking extremely dull and bored.
As the situation continues to unfold, the larger investment community is currently brainstorming ways to lure the stocks back to the boards. One IR Advisor proposed a strategy reminiscent of Hansel and Gretel: leaving a trail of dollar bills through the parks to the exchanges, hoping the stocks would follow the scent of money like a hungry dog to a treat. Another suggested organizing a pitch contest for the stocks, with the most compelling speech earning a place at the top of the market ladder and a market cap increase of 20%. Others proposed, giving them a Gallic shrug: after some much-needed time off, they’ll get their mojo back and return to the boards.
When the crickets start day chirping during the month of August, you know the dog days of summer have arrived. Thank you for indulging us. We hope your end-of-summer plans include some time for rest and relaxation in whatever way you enjoy it best. You deserve it.
We’ll see you in the fall!
The Harbor Access team:
Jonathan Paterson, Graham Farrell, Jody Kane, Lisa Micali, Julia Rodman